Same thing every fucking morning.
-I heard that. -No, you didn't.
-Yes I did... -I did too.
No you didn't... Okay everyone hold on!
Hey buddy, no cutting!
-Hey Sandy, what the hell! -Mom.
It's just the germs, they're our enemy.
Good luck on your test.
Like I need luck.
Here...
-Mom... -I'm sorry...
Now have a great day.
And remember, own your own power.
You're a powerful little chicken nugget.
Sorry.
Don't forget to bring the DVD from my birthday.
I told the teachers I would bring it in for show and tell tomorrow.
Do I ever forget anything?
Just do it, okay mom.
SCREEN: BASKETBALL 08.
YOU HAVE SELECTED TO TRADE KOBE BRYANT TO LEBRON JAMES.
Welcome to the Frank Padgett Jr sixth birthday celebration.
We have many famous guests.
What have we here...
So cute...
God!
Oh yeah that's it...
bite it a little...
Molly.
Molly Foster?
You're a magician...
A little magician...
I love knowing Sandy's in the next room.
Do it...
Molly...
Oh my God...
Oh yes Molly...
Oh my God...
I don稚 understand why we have to move into the city.
The city is the center of everything guys.
it値l be a fresh start.
Collin's Dad said...
that only minorities and venture capitalists live in the city.
And now we do too.
Are we going to meet any transvestites?
What's a transvestite?
It's a person who has a penis and a vagina and they live in the city.
That's not what it is Sadie.
All right guys. This is the place.
I really have to pee!
Can you hold it a little longer?
Welcome to New York City.
We're only here because our parents are getting a divorce.
Not to sight-see or see the ''Phantom of the Opera''.
-Sadie. -I've read about this.
It's fairly typical behavior for children of divorce.
How about, taking the bags.
Hey mom! Check this out! We're writing our names!
Oh my God!
Hey douch bag!
Well you can't mope around for the rest of your life.
It's only been three weeks, mom. Just give me some time.
Such a smart girl.
But she never graduated college.
And you hated her.
But the French... she spoke it so beautifully.
She was from there.
She was a Finklestein.
It's hard not to love a Finklestein.
Any ways, I spoke to your cousin Ruth.
And she's arranged a job interview with the women's center.
Where she used to work. Get you out of your funk.
But I have a job. At the coffee shop.
Oh that's depressing and you're a college graduate Aram.
For crying out loud.
You can finally put that ladies studies major of yours to good use.
It was a minor Dad. And it's called Sociology.
M.A. in Journalism from Northwestern.
You do realize that this is a fact checking job?
I've been raising two kids...
and the truth is, I'm getting divorced.
But I'm sure I'd be good at this.
Because I'm very organized, and I love sports.
Well not Hockey so much.
You see once the kids were born I decided to stay home for awhile.
Which was okay. 'Cause you know babies take up a lot of time.
Or maybe you don't know. Anyway...
Eventually they went to school, I started having more free time.
And I compiled these stat books...
and made up this graphing system.
Take a look.
GOLF STATISTICS & ANALYSIS.
What...
-How... -Just time.
And a great satellite TV package.
Aram Finklestein. That's a Jewish name, right?
And what are your feelings about women, Aram?
Are you kidding, I think they're great.
Up until...
Recently I was planning on spending the rest of my life with a woman.
Not that I want to spend it with a man.
It's just that this one experience with a woman...
not a man...
kind of took away my faith, in well, I guess everything.
I know you took some women's studies courses in college.
But other than that, do you have any other kind of experience...
that you think might have prepared you for this job?
I used to buy tampons for my mother.
You will fit in perfectly. Yes.
I thought I'd met my soul mate.
You met a really hot French girl who needed a green card.
-She was just so... -Hot.
-It wasn't that. -Sexy?
It was something else. She needed me.
Yes. To get a green card.
Ugh, there has to be more meaning to it all than this.
You know living at your parents house...
isn't exactly grabbing life by the balls, you know?
I'm saving up.
Dude, I hate to tell you this, but you work in a coffee shop.
And your hot French wife left you for her brother.
Stop it...
Can I get you something?
Ah yeah, this Ad says you have an apartment for rent?
Oh yeah, the owner has a loft upstairs.
Which I would be happy to show you.
Sure.
Milf...
I'm Mitchell. And this right here is Aram.
-What's Milf? -I don't know.
He's trying to figure out the meaning of life.
He is also a wonderful babysitter.
If you ever need one. Just a perk of the apartment.
Hey Little guy!
Mommy I don't want to live here.
I want my own room.
How many more apartments do we have to look at?
I found an apartment.
-Wow, you're fast. -It's not great...
but my husband won't be there so that's a plus.
How are you so well adjusted?
AII those years of the PTA, I had no other choice.
How's the job search?
I got one. Fact checker at SNN.
You are unbelievable. You're almost fully healed.
You know everyone says what a nightmare it is to get divorced...
but I feel fine.
No residual anything?
No. This is the best thing that have ever happened to me.
Trapped in some suburban hell, same thing day after day...
like a hamster on a wheel.
Up off your seat, let's ride to happiness.
AII you need now to complete the healing is to get laid.
Oh no. That's one thing I'm not ready for.
Here you go.
I don't expect you to fall in love with this guy.
This guy?
Oh no, what have you done?
My chiropractor.
He fixed me after that whole elevator shaft thing.
Anyway, he smells great and he went to an Ivy League college.
-Where? -UC Santa Barbara.
That's not Ivy League.
Well he's in great shape and he has a country house...
and I already told him all about you.
Wait, wait... I think that's the kid who showed me the apartment.
The one who tried to kiss you?
No, no, he just works in the coffee shop right below.
Oh... Too bad, he's cute.
Yeah, like ten.
Nice ass coffee boy!
Look just go out with the chiropractor and have a good time.
Maybe screw him, you know, if it seems right.
Why did you walk out?
I'm fine...
There's this huge kid. And he has like so much fat on him.
And he sat on me in gym class.
And he told me he was changing my name to Pablo.
Frankie that is terrible. Are you okay, sweetie?
It's Pablo and yes, it was fun.
So listen...
What?
Whenever you say, so listen... It's always something weird.
It's not weird.
It's just that I'm thinking about going on a date.
I don't know if I really want to but...
I think it値l be a positive step for me.
But I just wanted to see how you guys would feel about it.
Are you going to have sex with him?
That's an inappropriate question.
Homeless man eating some fish.
Oh God... Hey guys.
You know if we're going to live in the city.
We're going to have to learn how to deal with this kind of stuff.
So just stick with me and be polite. Let's go.
Hello.
-Hello. -Hi.
Thanks for coming in on such short notice.
I wouldn't normally throw you into this kind of situation...
-Hey Cheryl. -Hey girl.
Without some kind of training, but we're really in a bind.
Whatever I can do to help.
Now why don't you put your suit on and meet me in the activities room?
My suit?
Yeah it is in the closet behind you.
Now try to hurry, self-defense class starts at exactly five thirty.
Why do we have to do this?
Because now that we live in New York...
we're going to meet all kinds of different people.
And we need to know how to deal with them.
Like the man with the penis?
So you're walking down the street and all of a sudden you hear...
''Hey sweet lips I like that ass!
Why don't you come over here and sit on my face?
Hey kid, how would you like to make a quick hundred bucks?''
-Yeah sure! -No you don't kid!
You don't want that money!
Self preservation in a city of predators....
that's what you will learn in here!
Let's meet our perpetrator.
Hi.
No words perp', unless they're scripted!
Begin scenario 8.
Hey sweet lips.
Scenario 3.
Hey baby... that should be illegal.
Five.
Mrs. Sanchez, it appears you have a yeast infection...
an unbelievable set of tits.
For our last exercise.
I'm going to demonstrate what I call ''Ocean of Anger''.
Hold on, because we are about to go deep.
AII of us as women, have...
developed a reservoir of resentment and anger.
And these reservoirs put together form an ocean.
And this ocean is available to all of us to draw from.
It holds the collective power of every women who has ever been wronged.
An inappropriate sexual remark.
Being underpaid for a job you've done better than a man.
An ancestor who was a slave.
Or rice picker.
Or even simply low man on the totem pole.
A husband who has wronged you, who has cheated and lied to you.
Or you... Or you... Or you...
I'm a lesbian.
See me after class.
AII of this anger is present in all of you right now and always.
I need a volunteer.
Mom!
Come.
Mom, don't.
Come on.
You are going to call upon this history...
and unleash the ocean of anger on our perp.
Can I just get a quick bathroom break?
Zip it perp! Tell him to zip it.
Zip it perp...
Again. Good... Louder.
Zip it perp!
Now tell him what you want to tell him.
Good, good... good...
You dirty Little fucking scum bag.
Take your disease riddled whore...
and fuck her in hell for all eternity...
while the Devil burns you, with hot jagged metal...
and suffocates you with molten fury!
Now unleash!
Upper cut!
Is there a safe word I should be aware of?
Come on!
This is not what I signed up for!
Come on mom!
It's your time out...
My life was not supposed to be this way!
It's okay.
Don't I know you?
I don't see how getting beat up by a bunch of chicks everyday...
is getting you closer to the meaning of life.
I'm helping people. I'm contributing to the world.
Not like an actor.
-What did you... -Buddy.
I reflect life back onto itself.
Thereby... taking the mirror...
-I'm hungry. -Like a theater mirror.
You're always hungry.
Oh hi... Look at you.
Oh it's not as bad as it looks.
My mom's sorry she beat you up so bad.
Thank you Frankie.
Don't worry about it. Your mom didn't beat me up.
I've been going through a lot recently.
Can I have a blueberry muffin?
Not right now sweetheart.
I've been going through a lot recently.
I didn't realize how much it was effecting me.
Don't worry about it.
This is for you. Just saying sorry.
-I picked it out. -I helped.
If you fell face first into it you could die.
I was wondering if I could take you up on your offer.
To babysit?
If it still holds, that is...
I don't really, I mean I haven't in a Little while...
I figured since they hired you at the women's center...
You must be trustworthy.
I guess I could pop upstairs.
Some day after work for a couple of hours.
Would Thursday work?
-She has a date. -Sadie.
With a big pimp.
Where do you learn this stuff huh?
Olivia at school taught me.
She's my ho'. We play it at recess.
God...
Whatever happened to kick ball?
Yeah...
So would seven o'clock be okay?
Oh great. Thanks.
You young man... We're going to have a talk.
There are times where the lost, must be found.
And other times where the lost must find themselves.
Very well said, Rabbi.
It's not that's he's a bad Little boy.
Just misguided. Fallen in with the wrong crowd.
Are you talking about me? I only hang out with you and dad.
Battles are not only fought on the battlefield Roberta.
But also in the soul.
My soul is fine. It's great.
So what does his future hold, Rabbi?
Mom he's not a palm reader.
A new job is in order.
Calm is shpilkis.
Luckily my cousin is a headhunter.
Are you interested in business, Aram?
Yes.
Kids, your babysitter's here, come say hello.
Sadie usually goes to bed a bit later than Frankie.
But due to her unscheduled emergency surgery...
she値l be going to bed at the same time.
Oh my God, are you sure I should be staying with her?
After... she just had surgery.
This was her surgery.
I told you it was dead when I found it.
Yes, but I highly doubt it's organs had been harvested.
I hate you!
-Can I play Wii? -For half an hour.
-You're going to be okay, right? -Yeah.
The truth is I don't even know if I want to go on this date...
I mean it's just my friend she's kind of forcing me...
she thinks I need to get laid...
Release some tension.
It's him, okay...
Do I look okay? Everything's in order.
Seems to be.
Okay.
-Keys... okay. Bye Frankie. -Bye.
Hey Frank.
Call me Pablo.
He also had some sub-cranial seizures and well as TMJ.
Wow. So what did you do?
Oh I went right home and took out my skeleton.
Your skeleton?
It's not as weird as it sounds.
I know... replica skeleton.
I keep him at the house and use him to figure stuff out.
So I can put him in different positions...
and see how they effect his bone structure.
-It's a him? -Yes it's a him.
I thought it would be weirder if it was a her.
That way people might think I'm seeing somebody.
And it might actually drive away beautiful women like you.
I'm a mom.
Why did I say that?
It's okay. It's okay. It's all right, I know, yes.
Yes, it's true. You are a mom.
And you are incredibly beautiful. And you have excellent posture.
Excuse me for just a second.
You know you really haven't told me much about yourself.
Oh my God...
-Hello? -I'm here. I'm here.
Good. I thought I lost you for a second.
Are you from the city originally?
No I grew up just outside of San Francisco.
That's a great town.
So you have any hobbies?
Just take care of my kids.
Oh no, no, no. That's not a hobby!
Oh my God...
I used to like to windsurf.
Long board... Short board...
Ocean? Lake, what?
Lake, mostly lake.
I competed when I was younger.
Competitive wind surfing?
Now that's impressive.
So... You, you, you...
You are fascinating.
So, what's your normal job?
I work at the coffee shop.
I mean your real job.
That is my real job.
But you wear the blow up suit too.
That was just once... I quit there.
-Didn't you go to college? -Yes.
I hope I have a real job by the time I'm your age.
Knock out!
Pablo man knocked you out! I owned you!
So are we going to have any fun tonight...
or are you going to be one of those boring baby sitters?
Hey guys, it's me. I don't know why you're not picking up...
Anyway, I hope everything is okay.
Yeah, okay bye...
-Worried about the kids, huh? -Yeah.
It's a new baby sitter, and I don't know how experienced he is.
I know exactly what you need.
Really?
Yeah.
See we all hold our tension somewhere.
For you it's in your shoulders.
And just a Little bit in your ass.
When you have as much experience as I have...
you can tell just by the way people walk.
And even by the way they smile.
No charge.
It's leather face! He's chasing me...
He's cutting off my arm! Why! I don't know what to do!
I'm running into the woods.
Not my other arm!
Leather face, leave me one arm! Please!
I would get claustrophobic...
wearing a human skin mask.
You couldn't even wear a hulk mask, last Halloween.
That's 'cause it was hot and it smelled bad.
That was your breath, retard.
Sadie... Come on, you don't need to do that.
It's eleven o'clock...
got to get you to bed before your mom comes home.
Come on.
-Tell us about The Exorcist. -Okay.
I don't feel so good.
-What? -I'm gonna throw up.
This chocolate bar's bigger than you.
If you're going to throw up...
can you do it before your mom gets home, please.
You're cool. Most grown ups...
You mention throw up and they freak out.
Not me I love throw up... watch the chainsaw.
Eww, do you like to eat throw up?
-Sadie? -What?
You're going to freak him out. You're going to get us in trouble.
You're right.
You know what helps me when I feel sick, Frankie?
-Oh that's nice, listen. -What?
Eating a raw skinned pigeon, with mustard and rotten milk.
Just chewin' on those intestines and those Little bones.
-Off to bed, come on. -Yummy.
Touch my cock.
Stop the car!
You have a problem!
I have a problem?
Shit...
Oh yeah, yeah...
thanks for offering.
I'd love to touch it...
In a taxi... seems like the perfect place.
Hobbies?
Well... Salsa dancing.
Windsurf.
Homemaking.
Oh my God.
How could this happen to me?
You ever wonder that?
How could I have floated so far off the path I thought I was on.
I just thought maybe...
there would be some meaning to my life.
And that's the big joke.
I'm not making any sense.
Well...
maybe you値l come back again?
'Cause I think the kids could really use some continuity.
Shit...
I have no fucking money.
Can you believe that?
Can I pay you tomorrow?
It's no problem.
Look at you, eatin' a croissant.
French chick must be fadin'.
Don't change the music.
What this shitty music?
What do you think about kids?
I think about making them all the time.
-That's not what I'm talking about. -Then what are you talking about?
I don't know. Being responsible for another human beings life.
That's crazy.
-Aram? Aram? -Mom is dead!
-What? -Come on!
She's not dead.
Could be a post-mortum twitch.
Kids fall back.
Sandy? Sandy?
Sandy?
It's morning.
Oh my God, I slept with the babysitter...
No. You didn't sleep with the babysitter.
We thought you were dead.
Yeah we thought you might have asphyxiated on your own vomit.
Okay. Wow...
Aram can take us to school.
'Cause we're already late.
Could you?
Sure.
Can you pick them up too?
Are those stat sheets ready yet?
Yeah, printer 4.
This is the Sports News Network.
This is SNN.
Sandy?
You got a minute?
Sure.
-So Sandy... -Am I fired?
What? Why would you say that?
Because ah...
I'm so hung over I guess.
I have two kids and no husband.
I haven't had a real job since graduate school.
I'm so sorry.
Oh please, don't apologize.
I was really calling you in to see if you wanted to write for me.
Yeah I find the guys stuff gets boring, and repetitive.
And I saw that stat book you put together.
Amazing. Clearly obsessive. Reminds me of me.
Do you do yoga?
I'd do yoga if I could win.
I'm going to take you sometime.
Well...
-Oh. Thanks. -Hydrate.
Okay...
Cool, what's your catch phrase going to be?
I don't think it's going to be like that Frankie.
I'm just going to be writing the basis of the stories...
and she値l fill in the flavor.
What about ''suck it!''
Frankie...
-Why are you such an idiot. -It's just an idea.
That's really exciting. I mean you could even get some air time.
I don't think so.
That would be cool, mom.
You have the face for it.
That's a nice thing to say.
''You have the face for it.''
Sadie, I'm just saying that your mom has a face...
that would look good on TV.
I'm very together.
I never missed taking my kids to school...
or picking them up.
You don't have to explain anything.
I promise, I know what it's like to go through a divorce.
Your parents divorced?
No, I am. Sort of.
You're so young.
When did you have the time?
It was short lived. Her name was Alice.
She left me for her brother.
He wasn't really her brother.
He was just posing as her brother so he could be close to her...
so she could use me to get her green card.
That is horrible.
Yeah, it's pretty bad.
The worst part about it though finalize the divorce...
because if I do, then she値l get kicked out of the country.
It would just be so cruel, you know?
God, I wish I could get my husband kicked out of the country.
-That bad, huh? -Yeah.
So sorry...
Me too, for you.
You know Aram, this has been really hard for me.
And with the new job there's going to be some longer hours.
And I was thinking maybe...
you'd be willing to help us out on more of a full time basis.
A nanny? You're not from Trinidad...
you're from the upper west side of Manhattan.
Did we send you to college for this?
You always said you just wanted me to be happy.
Within reason.
This is not how you contribute to the world.
Mom, you work for Ralph Lauren.
People need clothes, Aram.
This family needs me.
She just got divorced.
And she got this great job.
And she needs someone...
that she can trust to take care of these kids.
Mom it's not like it's forever.
I'm going to be making money...
Harry?
AII right, you're still going to go out on interviews for other jobs.
And in the mean time you can keep this fackata one.
KIDS
Aram Finklestein?
Good. Look up at the sky.
Stay here. Deep breath, breath...
we've got one more, more. Exhale...
Is there anything going on at home?
Anything you'd like to talk to us about?
We'd do anything to help.
Six team deal, waiting for the ink to dry.
The eastern conference is on the verge of...
It would not be commitment not just to the job...
but to the community of people that work here.
You're going to get back whatever you put in it.
Look at Yael here... It takes more than good memory...
to have good memories.
I think this is a cheap restaurant.
Let's go, let's go.
That's not the way it goes. Let me try.
Get a job, I'm a frickin' raisin.
It's the same...
It's not the same, it's not the same thing.
You have to say the frickin' first to make it work.
It's much funnier with the frickin' right?
I'm just going to go outside and grab a smoke.
I値l join you.
Do not step on the punch line.
Ladies...
A smoke? What are they, from the stone age?
Please you're so God damn picky.
You have to find something wrong with every guy, don't you?
Did you see how long it takes the guy to order a bottle of wine?
Ah, his Father owns a vineyard in Napa...
so he knows a lot about it.
Like he mentioned several hundred times.
-He mentioned it once. -Oh God...
Who is calling you? You don't have a life.
It's Aram. He taught me how to text.
-Oh my God! -What?
-You have a thing for the nanny. -Oh please.
Excuse me.
He's just telling me that my kids are asleep.
Right.
''Kids asleep.
Frank took 2 foot long poop. We measured.''
That's disgusting.
He's just keeping me in the loop. AII right.
And I appreciate that. He's very funny.
Sincere. Besides, he's a lot more adult...
than those guys you set me up with.
In a 24 year old, kind of way.
-Let me see what you wrote. -No.
-Oh come on. -No, you're not.
''Wow, about to bail on my date. Set up Monopoly.''
Oh this is pathetic.
-Wow. -See ya.
Okay, here's the puss'.
Hey come on over!
Aram I would love you to meet, Sunshine and Cinnamon.
They're in my acting class.
-Hi. -Hey.
Hi, I'm Aram.
Yeah they love talking and stuff...
so... right.
Stay positive.
-Sorry... -Aram? Hey...
-Hi. -That's a weird name.
Thank you.
So Mitch tells me you're divorced.
That's weird, huh?
It's kinda normal to me.
You know, it's my life, so I'm kinda used to it.
I guess if you...
Hey.
I guess if you means it's unusual, then yeah.
You thought a lot about this.
I guess.
You know I love theories. They make me a Little horny.
I think I'm gonna go.
-So... -Oh yeah.
AII right.
Hi, hey it's me. What you guys doing?
We're just playing American Idol.
That was truly dreadful, Aram Finklestein.
Awful!
Looks like you were a little pitchy in the beginning...
but dog, you pulled it together in the end man, you rocked.
Well Randy liked me...
but I don't think I'm going through to the next round.
I don't think I'm going to be able to make it home for dinner tonight.
Yeah, no problem, I can feed the kids.
You may have to put them to bed too.
It's going to be a late one, huh?
Yeah, a couple of the Vikings players...
were charged with sexually assaulting a stripper.
I have to come up with something pithy for Laura to lead with.
Well Vikings have been attacking people on ships for centuries now.
Aram, that's perfect.
I'll see you when I get home.
Sandy, you ready?
Every good job in the city...
workin' for the man in New Orleans!
Oh I'm sorry.
God...
I can't imagine that there'd be many more days like this.
No problem. There's dinner for you on the table there.
Oh thanks. You didn't have to do that.
I just whipped up some stuff that I learned on Top Chef.
The kids helped.
Frank's pretty good.
Umm, delicious. Wow.
Wait, I have these two tickets for the fight on Saturday.
I thought that you might be able to use them.
Aren't the kids with their dad this weekend?
Yeah.
And you don't want to use these?
My girlfriend's not free...
and I just couldn't face another date...
so take whoever you want...
That's really nice, thanks.
Welcome.
Hey I was wondering if you're free this weekend.
'Cause I've got these tickets to the big fight.
Tonight痴 main event...
for the New York State Heavyweight championship!
Hook to the body!
Burn the liver!
Burn that liver!
Come on Ref!
That was illegal!
Oh come on!
Come on Ref!
Corners! Go to your corners!
-I hate it when the Ref does that. -You, go to your corner!
Why bother having a ref... Just let them bare knuckle it.
I can't believe you were thinking of not coming.
Me neither.
God I could never be like this with Frank.
It was like I didn't even know if I was happy when I was with him.
What makes people do that?
Just coast along.
You know the thing that really sticks for me.
Is that I never got the chance to tell him how I felt.
He has this strange ability to... to...
make me entirely lose my voice.
Like some superpower.
Crazy.
No voice man. Steal your voice man.
Quiet man. Doctor Silence.
Good one.
Hey Aram, right?
Yael, from Rockwell-Matthis, I interviewed you.
Oh yeah, hey how are you?
Dude, you're the only person that's ever said no to us.
Most people would kill for that job.
Sorry about that.
Ringside at the fight. Doesn't look like you're doing too bad.
Let me know if you ever change your mind.
Thanks. Good to see you Yael.
What?
It was just an entry level thing.
At Rockwell-Matthis?
And you let that go to be my nanny?
That's idiotic.
Yeah, I thought so too for a minute...
but I really wasn't thinking clearly there after Alice.
Then suddenly I had this...
what really matters are the people in my life.
You and your family were...
are some of those people that make me feel good.
Make my life good. Everyday.
In a way, I guess.
That is the most wonderfully...
un-jaded naive thing I've ever heard.
It's rare to find a guy who's such a romantic.
I think he's got 'em.
Come on! Come on!
Get him!
Come on! Come on! Put him away! Put him away!
Put him away!
Yes!
Jesus Christ!
Okay...
Right to the light.
Now just close those eyes.
-I'm not tired. -You're going to sleep this one off.
I'm going to put these here, okay.
I really love your kids.
I know.
I had fun tonight.
Yeah. Me too.
Would you like if l called you that?
It's not okay to call me that word, okay.
It's not a bad word though... It just means female dog.
Look Frank, I'm not going to have a semantics debate okay.
What are you doing here?
You know what it means, it's not alright to call me that.
Or anyone else for that matter.
You've been in the city a few months...
they're already totally corrupted.
Dad's place sucks.
Frankie... What happened?
-Aram. -Guys, careful. Careful.
Come on you late night criminals...
that's not going to work.
-Off to jail. -Hey guess what?
You want to give me a million dollars?
We saw a dead dear on the side of the road.
Oh even better.
We wanted to touch it but Dad wouldn't let us.
Oh how mean.
You running a home for delinquent boys?
Aram helps with the kids, Frank.
Well the kids weren't here, so what's he doing here?
Can I just explain something to you?
You have no rights in this house, okay?
I don't like the way this separation is going.
Oh really?
Well I'm loving the way it's going...
this is exactly how I envisioned my life.
I never noticed how weird this thing was.
-That's mine. -Hello?
That's mine.
What I want to say, is going to come out wrong.
I want you back, I want our life back.
Why are you doing this?
The truth is I could have handled the kids...
I just wanted to see you.
You must miss me at least a Little, huh?
I don't want you here.
Of course, I don't want to be here.
If you're good, I値l come back and do ''The Grudge.''
The house is completely empty.
You could even work if you wanted to.
Part time.
I imagined this...
So many things I wanted to say to you.
I umm...
We're not going to need you anymore.
Unless you want to grab a bite to eat and he can sit...
Are you on an hourly?
I think Sandy had something that she wanted to say to you.
Didn't you?
Yeah.
I just wanted to tell you about some feelings I've been having.
Umm... you know.
Regarding you and your treatment of me.
What she wanted to say was...
and this is pretty much word for word if I remember properly.
That you're a dirty Little fucking scum bag.
And I might be paraphrasing here.
But you should take your disease riddled whore...
and fuck her in hell for all eternity.
Where the Devil burns you, with hot jagged metal...
and suffocates you with molten fury.
Molten fury, that's right.
Fuckin' nut house.
And don't come beggin' to come back. This was the last straw!
That was really...
And by the way! I never loved you!
And I'm changing our sons name to Pablo!
So I値l never have to be reminded of you!
And suck it you Little bitch!
You're off tomorrow, come take me out.
Dude! Back in the saddle.
Who's the unsuspecting lovely lady?
Ah, her name?
Yes, the thing you値l be calling out in bed. When she's all up on ya'.
Sandy.
It's your bosses name, isn't it?
Wait a minute. Are you going to diddle your boss!
Oh that's hot!
Oh man... oh wait, she's like 60 thought, I thought.
She's 40.
She's got like a hundred kids though.
Two.
So when's all this going down?
Actually tonight.
Dude, tonight's my showcase.
Sent you a postcard about it.
It's just that, she already hired another babysitter...
work's been really busy.
So finding another time would be virtually impossible.
You understand.
Welcome one and all to the second annual...
Hooligan Theater group showcase workshop. I am your host...
Actor, Director, Choreographer Magnus Kroon.
Thank you.
You're about to see 46 of the most daring, the most empathetic beings...
in this our fair city.
Offering you performances from their favorite works, of stage and screen.
Please keep your seats throughout for there will be no intermission.
Thank you and let the magic begin!
Stella!
To be... or not to be. That is the question.
Whether it is nobler of the mind to suffer...
the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
That was a big juicy, juicy beef steak tomato!
I did an evening of vegetables that knocked the critics on their ass!
There he is.
I had him in view.
I was peeling it over into a dive.
He saw me when I moved in for the kill.
There wasn't any danger.
Is that how you remember it? Maverick.
-Is this Top Gun? -I'm pretty sure.
The rules of engagement are not flexible, Maverick.
They are there for your safety. You will obey them.
Is that clear Maverick!
Yes sir, perfectly clear.
I guess we... I... Was just a Little over enthusiastic.
I guess you were.
Dismissed!
Keep it simple and lie.
Hey!
Oh Bro'. I'm so glad you made it.
I made it... I'm here.
Saw the whole thing! Good!
Even your part. Was that Top Gun?
You know it was.
Sweet.
We thought you were really great.
I loved your post modern take on the whole thing.
And it was great how you acknowledged how derivative it was.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Okay.
I told you guys, huh?
I told you people would get it.
You got to come party with us!
I guess in a tree house.
Outdoor shower.
Refrigerator.
In a refrigerator?
AII over it.
In the display case of the coffee shop where I work.
You don't have to do that if you don't want to.
The craziest place? I'd have to say...
On the craziest place? A surfboard, in the ocean.
This is some good shit.
That's real romantic.
Aram. Mon Dieu. I have been thinking so much about you.
Hi Alice.
I have regrets, you know, about how I broke up with you.
I found I have this problem...
I have this problem with sex...
Because I just use it to get what I want.
And I really think that's what I did with you.
But I'm in a program now...
and I would like to meet you to make some apologies to you.
Amends.
Yes amends. I'm really sorry.
You know I should... I should get going.
I don't want to keep my sister waiting.
What? What?
Thanks.
I'm so hot.
Tell me about it.
So?
It was long.
I know, I figured you went to a hotel or something.
Oh please.
Honey, what's with your hair?
What?
Okay, fine. It was awkward and kid of tedious.
Did you just say kid of tedious.
I mean, he's a kid and it was tedious.
Well it sounds like you didn't give him a chance.
Did you even kiss those young supple lips?
It didn't get there.
We went to his friends acting showcase...
and to this after party in a loft.
Acting showcase?
But now I need a bath.
AII right, God... Daph'.
What?
Thanks for babysitting.
Okay... Sorry you couldn't get laid.
Oh shut up.
Tedious?
I was just trying to get rid of her.
It was though, wasn't it? I'm sorry.
Oh wait a minute. No quite so much tongue...
That's specific.
Oh God... Oh...
That's gross.
Oh shit!
Oh God!
Frank! What are you doing up?
Was Aram peeing in you?
No. Frank...
I would never do that.
Are you sleeping over?
No.
No. No?
Oh well.
Don't forget your pants?
So does that mean you and mom are going to have a baby?
No.
I don't get it you said that sperm makes a baby.
Sperm, and it does.
We stop talking about this please.
Okay? I like your mother and I think she likes me.
And that's all that's important.
You also work for her.
Whose turn is it?
Mine.
Okay... Come on Frankie...
Let's get off the donuts.
How is that possible.
So, you like mom. Are you two going to date now?
I don't know.
You don't really know anything do ya'.
I mean she's kinda your girlfriend.
Are you going to be our new Dad?
And if so, who will be our nanny?
Yeah and what will we call you?
Jesus, I'm not being nominated to Supreme Court here guys.
I just had sex with your mother.
And when I say sex...
I mean that I gave her a nice massage.
With sperm.
Oh you conniving Little liar.
What was he hiding in the hall?
My God, he was... That sounds so dirty.
Okay, it's a Little dirty.
Well you got that out of your system.
Now you're free to meet your next real guy.
What does that mean?
Well it means now...
When you meet a viable man...
What does that mean? He won't have to be a rebound.
'Cause your nanny was your rebound.
It gives you pleasure to say that doesn't it?
Anyway I'm not sure I buy into the rebound thing.
Oh what, you're going to date the nanny.
Is having a one night stand with the nanny more dignified?
No, just more practical.
I guess.
Wait a minute. You actually have feelings for this kid?
Feelings? I have feelings for everyone.
That's the way the world works.
Oh God, you're in serious justification mode.
Why do you have to be so cynical.
I mean, I don't judge your blatant disregard for recycling.
This is not about judgment. This is about my friend.
And what is realistic and not realistic for her.
It's about me not wanting to see you getting hurt.
Happy Birthday!
Thank you.
Are you 1 , are you 2... Are you 3, are you 4, are you 5... Are you 6.
We get it.
Can I get you anything?
No.
Stop it.
Okay...
So did Aram tell you about this operation I'm having...
No.
They're going to give me a new asshole.
There are children here.
Cool, like from a dead guy?
Sadie.
They're going to fashion one out of something. Hopefully something elastic.
Awesome...
Excuse me.
This is so weird.
My Dad tell you about his surgery?
Yeah, I didn't know they could even do that.
You look really pretty.
No, no, no... We're in your parents house.
I know...
Where is everybody?
It's just a Little red, red, but I don't think it's strep.
Cake time.
Aram, this one is just from me.
Gummie bears and hand lotion.
Thanks dad.
Here.
Please... Open your mothers.
No, no, he値l open yours.
You're his mother...
Well... You're his employer. I insist.
You're gonna love it.
It's not fake poop is it?
No.
That's for Christmas.
Now Christmas...
What have we got here.
The human totem pole.
Got to get you up there next time.
I don't think so.
This is great, thank you so much.
You're welcome.
This is perfect.
Thanks mom.
That one's just from me.
It's so nice.
How'd you get this butterfly?
My grandmother gave it to my father. Now I think it is time you had it.
Mom...
And the message applies all these years later.
A mother's love can never be replaced.
Never.
Thanks mom.
Darling.
It's antique.
Whoa that's cool.
It's beautiful.
I might throw up...
What are the chances?
Sixty-forty.
Sixty-forty... Which direction?
Seventy-thirty now.
Well at least you're learning your percentages.
Let's get these off...
Sing me a song.
No, you have to go to bed.
Sing me a song or I値l throw up on you.
When you put it that way. Let's see. I値l reach into my repertoire here.
Throw up averted.
Stay tonight.
TWO MONTHS LATER
Are we sure this guy is real?
Has anybody met him?
He has no time to meet us...
he has high school and all that homework.
Isn't he on a baseball team?
He's just running a Little late.
Well he's definitely responsible for an attitude change.
Because you... Well you just can't stop smiling.
She's glowing. Well he's doing something right.
Sorry I'm late.
Hi.
Babysitter needed to be walked through everything.
Hi.
I'm Aram.
I'm sorry... This is Aram.
Would you like a coke or something?
Scott.
Actually I値l have some wine.
So Aram, I've heard a lot about you.
I hope all good things.
That you're a wunderkind with the children.
That you're a great cook, that you were born in 1983.
Oh Jesus, I was pregnant in 1983.
Let's just go on, get it out on the table.
Get it out in the open. So we can enjoy our dinner.
Yes I was born in the early 80's.
She also told me you're very handsome.
And that seems to be true.
I think it's great you guys are together.
In the word of the Bard, the heart wants what it wants.
God, you are so Gay!
Sir, are you ready?
Uh I can be.
Scott, right? Do you mind if I borrow your glasses?
I'm just kidding...
I'm only 25, I don't need reading glasses.
Touch?.
I mean don't you want to travel around the world or something?
You know, get crazy. Rock Cleveland?
Do things that people your age are supposed to do?
Rock Cleveland?
Yeah, rock it.
You know what I mean.
To tell you the truth, this is the most alive I've ever felt.
Why do you have to be so God damn romantic.
What about kids, don't you want kids of your own?
It's not like you're 50.
But I'm an old 40.
What the hell does that mean?
Wrinkly.
You have no wrinkles on your face.
There...
Do you?
You seem to have eyes, something that I really love about you.
I love you.
And when you compliment me, I love it when you compliment me.
You know I heard you the first time.
I have no idea what you're referring to.
No?
You said, I love you.
I didn't say that.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure you did.
And I love you too.
Really?
Sorry but I do.
Let's just take it slowly.
Slowly...
Terrell Owens, the man with more baggage...
than a first class passenger on the Titanic.
Reaching but funny.
T.O., the pig pen of the National Football League.
Where ever he goes he's surrounded by the stink of controversy.
Oh I like it.
AII that sex really agrees with your creative side.
Honey, are you okay?
Are you all right sweetheart, you look pale.
No I'm just dizzy from following you around.
AII right.
Well get that to me. Please, right away.
AII right...
It helps me think.
We should talk.
I knew this was coming. You think the books I read are too juvenile.
I know, it's just that I've always liked this stuff...
I'm pregnant.
But, I pull out most of the time.
I know you're not ready for this so...
please I know that.
I'd feel the same way if I were you.
I just thought that you wanted to take things slowly.
I did.
This is big. This is very big.
We should have been more careful.
I know... this... sounds crazy.
I don't blame you.
But I think I wanted this to happen.
What?
You said it yourself, you don't want to just coast.
And I just coast along, but this isn't coasting.
This is roller coasting.
My God...
No, not oh God... This is a good thing.
The roller coasting thing, that was cheesy.
But having a baby with you... that's not cheesy.
I mean... that's not what I'm saying.
Just excited. I want to be your father.
What?
I want a father...
I want to be a father... with you as the mother.
That's the important part, you being a mother.
God I hope the kid is like you.
I hope the kid is like you.
A girl with brown eyes.
Or a boy with brown eyes.
Eyes in a babies head. Not just eyes. That wouldn't work.
Doctor Green's office.
Sure I値l connect you to her voice mail, hold on.
What about Guillaume. For a boy obviously.
Guillaume Finklestein?
Point taken.
What about Ira?
Okay, the doctor will see you now.
Great.
Okay so...
So?
The blood work is normal. In other words, you are healthy.
And that's always a good sign for future pregnancies.
What do you mean, future?
I mean, this here... is what we call an ectopic pregnancy.
There are any number of explanations for this.
It's not necessarily because of your age.
Oh God...
This is something that happens periodically.
An embryo is formed...
but it takes root inside the fallopian tube instead of in the uterus.
This doesn't mean you can't have children again in the future.
Sandy.
This was crazy! I mean, what were we thinking anyway!
You are so young.
God... you live at your your parents house...
and technically you work for me.
And I was thinking about having your baby!
What... what is going on!
Do you have to know, can't we just find out?
That is a deceivingly mature thing to say.
Why is it deceiving?
Because you're 25 years old!
You get drunk off half a beer.
And you read the Harry Potter series in your spare time.
A lot of adults read those books.
And besides the way I remember it...
you were the one that asked me out.
I appreciate that you feel this could work.
More than you値l ever know. You were such a good person.
A real special person.
I mean, not filing for divorce...
so your horrible ex-wife can get a green card.
What... what would be the point?
See, that's what I mean.
Someone like you...
shouldn't be with someone like me.
An old girlfriend with two kids.
You're an ageist.
I'm an old ageist!
Oh please, don't patronize me.
You know I may live with my parents...
and get drunk off half a beer.
And yeah, I admit to being slightly adrift thus far in my life...
but I'm not a complete idiot.
I know how I feel about you.
It's you that doesn't know how you feel about me.
I wish you had the guts to say it.
You've meant so much to me and my family.
But this doesn't make sense. I mean, what future could we possibly have?
You know what I'm going to miss the most?
It is you. Your friendship.
Like a really long time?
No, you値l see me soon.
Try to think of all the fun things we did...
Cindy, I assure you I know how to drive...
and she's saying this in French obviously.
And so he let us go without a ticket...
We're still looking for fresh blood...
for our company softball team.
I saw there in your resume, that you had coached some softball.
Departing for gate 42.
Royalty Airlines flight 297, to Paris, France will be departing...
Change my game, this for that...
become more of a leader...
because he was one of the leaders of the team...
upon getting traded to Boston.
Come on please. Come on please.
Please.
I travel... I'm from New York.
I'm from Istanbul.
Yeah... I could tell.
You know it's not going to go out. It's been a great Hanukah.
Go! Go! Go!
President Obama throws out the first pitch...
Go!
The graduating class of 2012.
Sadie Padgett.
And Sadie also receives the reward...
for the best science project.
Three, two, one! Happy New Year!
E for Elephant.
Great.
As we sign off from this, our ten thousandth episode.
We need to say a special thanks to you for bringing us into your homes.
But most of all to those unsung fanatics who make us look good.
And we do look good.
I'm Laura Reily.
And I'm Scott Reynolds. TMI coming at you next.
Sandy, you got a minute?
Hello. Hello... Hello people.
Our illustrious leader, Ken Gordan...
has an announcement to make.
Although change can be painful...
change can also be a good thing.
A necessary step in the evolution of a company.
A family, like ours...
From the beginning of time, all the way to today.
There are certain things you値l always find.
Now if you look at the pictures.
Can anyone see what they all have in common. Liv?
There's people in all of them?
Exactly. Great answer.
So almost everywhere you go in the world...
you're going to find these little communities of people.
Just like you guys, you're a community.
Your class, your family.
I just came back from Mozambique.
Okay.
I've been to the Nantucket film festival.
Aram.
Hey.
You're the only one that gets gifts from the kids...
at the end of every tour.
That's probably because they're so excited the tour is over.
It's good to see ya.
I was going to go get a drink. Want to join me.
You know what, I ah... actually...
Have plans already?
I do.
You're impossible.
I've heard that before.
See you tomorrow.
Okay. Have a good night.
Here's to your mother...
the newest and undoubtedly the most qualified anchor at the network.
Very deserving.
Thank you.
Congratulations, Mom.
-Thanks. -Yeah mom.
I know your own show is a big step up.
But I'm going to miss you.
I値l be one studio over. And I値l come and guest anchor with you.
AII girls, I don't think they've done that yet.
I'm going to hold you to that.
AII right.
I'm going to use the ladies then we can stuff our faces.
So let's see...
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Hi.
-How are you? -How are you?
You first.
I'm good. Yeah, good. Kids are great.
I just got promoted.
I'm going to start anchoring.
I've watched you on TV, you're fantastic.
But that's not a surprise.
You look really good.
I'm 30.
You know I'm sorry about...
Don't even... it's just timing.
Yeah.
Traveled around the world.
Oh you did huh?
Never rocked Cleveland...
but some pretty amazing things happened.
Daddy, I told you I could do it myself.
I knew you could do it yourself.
I bumped into a friend of mine. Sandy.
I want you to meet my son, Zeke.
I met him in Bangladesh. And we kinda feel in love with each other.
Took a couple of years but now I'm his dad.
Hi, I'm Zeke Finklestein.
You are, huh? I'm Sandy.
Pleased to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
I bet you're an amazing Dad. And his mom?
It's just me and Zeke.
It's hard to find someone that's good enough for us.
Right?
Right.
And what about you? Boyfriend?
Dating wasn't my thing, I discovered.
That's too bad.
Would you like to join us?
You know the kids would be thrilled.
-They talk about you all the time. -We're with my parents.
Oh you had me so worried.
Did you fall in? I thought you fell in.
Mom, you remember Sandy.
Hey.
How could I forget, you talk about her everyday.
I was just saying to Aram, if he wants to join us.
Oh are you kidding, we would love to. We would love to.
Oh come with me... Harry! Get up, we're moving.
What, I didn't do anything.
I didn't say you did anything...
I said we're moving tables.
Moving tables...
Yes, we've moving tables. Honey just listen to me.
Hey guys... look who I just bumped into.
Oh my... Look how huge you are!
You look like you're 13.
I am.
What?
I want you guys to meet someone. This is my son, Zeke.
Want to play game boy?
Yeah, go ahead take a seat. He値l teach you.
Nice to see you. It's been years.
Yeah.
We all get older, and we stay the same.
Hello!
Hi.
What a surprise.
You remember us... You came to our house.
Remember that?
They're a group.
They're already a group.